Had an honest talk with hubby this morning. By text. Told him about my fears of being vulnerable and how it impacts US.
I grew up in a home that was severely verbally abusive. One of my sisters struck back. She now lives as far away as she can get. Another sister talked back. She too struggles with her weight but is able to speak out. We all protected our youngest sister. She is healthy.
Me? I internalized everything. All of it. Withdrew into myself. Became unable to trust anyone with my deepest feelings. Being in a large crowd of unknown people is easy for me. It's all superficial, so I'm good with that. Happy, charming, funny, sweet.
It's when you come closer that I withdraw. I become quiet, uncomfortable, painfully shy. I often wish I could just disappear.
Somewhere in this journey I began to find a friend in food. Food never hurt me (only it did). Food never talked back. Food wouldn't leave me.
But this warped relationship with food as my lover and best friend is no longer working.
Especially in my marriage. Marriage is a partnership, but it doesn't work when only one partner is in a healthy place emotionally.
As I've continued with IE I've realized that this is no longer working for me. That truthfully it never has. That food can not hold it's own anymore. That at the end of a binge is emptiness and a cavernous void. That what I crave more than anything is human connection.
It terrifies me. To put myself out there. To be vulnerable to the person who has the most potential to hurt me.
To the person who has the most potential to love me.
But.....
What if instead of bringing the pain I anticipate, allowing myself to be vulnerable and be loved brings joy? What if I find happiness in marriage and intimacy? What if I acknowledge my needs as worthy? What if instead of shutting others out, I live my life with others in it?
I think I'm wiling to try.
Hubby knows the demons he's up against and how they haunt me and will me to cower in fear. He knows that this is new and terrifying ground for me.
And he still loves me.
What if I break free?
1 comment:
What an amazingly open post. It's so confronting when the coping mechanism that's worked for so long doesn't any more. I understand. I really do. It's a vulnerable place.
Now that you recognise you need different and better coping skills, the next part is finding those ways.
Your needs ARE worthy of being fulfilled in a positive way:)
Post a Comment