Miserable Diet

My life is so complex. And I'm feeling it right now.

The desire to eat intuitively.

The desire to binge and not feel.

It just feels so overwhelming. I don't want to treat IE like another diet. But in many ways it feels like just that. I have to find a way to see beyond that.

The overeating/binging is not good. It almost always occurs at night. It leaves me so uncomfortable that sleep is a mess. I toss and turn all night. Dreaming weird dreams. Waking off and on. Feeling physically awful in the morning. Taking Tylenol to soothe the "withdrawl".

It's not good.

I want (and need) to drop the diet mentality. That's what I need to let go of.

Because until I see IE as living and not dieting, I will forever be searching for the next binge.

Kill Me

Everything about this book is rocking my world. It literally has sapped the "fun", the "thrill of the sneak" out of eating when I'm not hungry. Hundreds of times a day, I am forcing myself to stay present with myself. To not give in and zone out. To live.

It's hard.

Very hard.

But oh the wonderful flavors when I am hungry! I am amazed at how food really tastes!

Last night was difficult. I had a great time with my older girls, shopping and just hanging out. We got home and all of them went their separate ways. This is prime time for me to eat. Happiness (well really ANY emotion) is a trigger for me to eat. I think I binge to numb the intensity of the feeling. I think in my head I don't think I deserve any of this. That any emotion in life is too...much.

Last night I forced myself to stay in the moment. To sit and feel the feelings. Accepting that there is a God who is bigger than any emotion I feel and that if I just go through the feeling, He is there.

I went through a gamut of emotions as I sat. Some which surprised me. Fear, anger, joy, sadness, love.

Guess what?

The emotions didn't kill me. I lived through them and even found moments that I could stay present with myself.

This is very much the beginning of the end of dieting for me.

I can feel with every part of my being that this is different. I feel almost as if I am waking up from a food-induced coma and finding that I am changed. Or maybe that I was here all along. Hidden beneath the layers of eating.

I am strong.

God is stronger.

A binge is no longer a binge when you take away it's power to control you.

It is a good beginning.

Bigness

Last night I started reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I was only in the introduction when this little exchange between Geneen and a lady named Nell, hit me...

"but suddenly I realized that I am afraid to push the food away."
"Why?" I ask.
"Because...I realize I am not broken..and that you will be angry at me if you know."
"Who are you taking me to be? Anyone you know who was threatened by how gorgeous you are?"
"Hi mom." she says.
"She was depressed," Nell says, "And if I was just myself, that was too much for her. I needed to shut down the bigness-I needed to be as broken as she was-otherwise she'd reject me and that was unacceptable."

Whoa....what?!?!?

(Brakes screeching)

Remember this post? And especially this? "Of this list, the two I struggle the most with are accepting that others will be uncomfortable and that it's ok for me to be comfortable, and having to say no. Both of these are the emotions/actions I shove under the food rug most often."

Oh. my. gosh.

"Nell" is ME.

Always worried that others will be uncomfortable if I allow myself to be comfortable. Afraid to just "be" because it will mean someone in my life feels "less than".

Forever the protector. Forever living out my role in a family I no longer live in. Never wanting my mom or my sister to hurt. Always seeking to make them "ok" , even if it means at the cost of my own sanity. 


One of my earliest memories of "stuffing" this feeling of bigness came after a high school volleyball practice. I was good. Really good. A sophomore in a new town with a competitive team. First in off the bench. I came home that night, psyched. The coach had me playing! I was telling my sister, feeling good. She wanted me to eat a bologna sandwich she'd made. I wasn't hungry. I was feeling...powerful. Strong. Alive. It upset her. SHE was the athlete. She kept asking me to eat. I saw the look in her eyes. The "you and me" . I needed to protect her feelings. She was feeling "less than". I could see it and I didn't want her to hurt. I ate the sandwich. My introduction into stuffing my bigness so that no one would hurt.

But what if?

What if I'm actually not broken after all?

What if I allow myself to be free of the self-imposed brokenness I live in? What if I just stop "shutting down the bigness" and live?

The thought alone feels terrifying.

And powerful.

Whoa.

Something to think on today.

Satisfaction and My Challenge

To all those diets that told me I don't know what I like, you are wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Shaking my fist at you!

I love whole milk. I love butter. I love real cheese. I love a delicious whole grain dark bread made at our local bakery. I like homemade foods better than anything store bought. I love grilled chicken. I love steak. I love in season fruits from the farmer's markets. I love fresh oranges full of juice. I like whole pineapple, but not canned. I love mangoes. I love honey on toast with butter.

And dieting made me think I was stupid. And needed guidance. That I didn't know what it meant to feel satisfied.

So I ate cardboard food, washed down with precious no calorie milk. I snacked on popcorn without flavor and cheese that would not melt. I bought pre-packaged, pre-set, pre-"foods" that consisted of nothing but a alarming list of things I cannot pronounce. All the while, being told, "eat this", "drink that", "do this", "don't do that".

What a waste of my life.

Seriously.

What a waste.

I KNOW WHAT I LIKE.

I knew all along.

Watch out world. This chick is done with your diet crap. I am eating my whole foods and I will enjoy them with absolute, unadulterated, satisfaction.

Because guess what?

Butter satisfies. Real milk does too. So does a slab of meat.

And because I'm satisfied, and because I enjoy my food, I stop eating. Each and every day I make decisions to stop eating.

The horror.

I'm undoing everything you said about me.

Oh little diet leaders, you were wrong. And I'm here to prove it to you.

*Challenge to me-when I am hungry, I will eat something utterly satisfying in front of dh. To be eaten at  a time when it is not mealtime. Unnerved? Yeah? You can do this girl. Every. Single. Day. 



 

No More Cocoon

Effindiets had a post awhile back about the disadvantages of being naturally thin. She wanted us to each make a list of why it would not be in our best interest. Here is my list:

-I will have to let go of diets forever
-I will have to be ok letting others talk about their diets without me feeling guilty
-I will have to wait for hunger
-I will have to let food on my plate
-I will have to say “no”
-I will have to accept that I AM one of “those people”
-I will have to allow myself pleasure in eating again
-I will have to accept that others will be uncomfortable, and that it’s ok for me to be comfortable
-Others will scrutinize my food choices
-Dieting and thinking about dieting will no longer take up most of my thoughts
-I will have to find things to enjoy
-I won’t have an answer when people ask how I stay so slim

Of this list, the two I struggle the most with are "accept that others will be uncomfortable and that it's ok for me to be comfortable" and "having to say no". Both of these are the emotions/actions I shove under the food rug most often. The ones I eat to say "FU" instead of dealing with.

I feel the need to cover these two emotions/actions most often with my hubby. For 20 some years now, I have never been one to allow myself to just be comfortable in my own skin. I have been working to please him for as long. I don't like telling him "no" because right away he glares at me and says mean things, making me feel less than.

I am breaking free.

I am finding my own skin to be ok in.

It's causing dh and I to fight. A lot. He doesn't necessarily like this new me. The one with strong opinions. The one that doesn't just bend to. The me that feels differently than him and isn't afraid to say it anymore. No matter what it costs me.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. To death. I really truly do. For everything bad about him, there about 10 good things that balance it out.

But....the thing is, this road I'm on is not one I can turn back on. The longer I'm on this path, the stronger I feel. The more I am finding myself. The less I want to be the person I used to be.

I feel like a butterfly pulling out of this cocoon. Once the butterfly begins to break out, you can't shove it back in. It's not possible.

Growing pains. That's what I'm feeling. Good growing pains. I can see that this half of my life is going to be amazing! I watch things begin to unfold and I am darn excited for the future.

And for pete's sake, I dumped half a muffin this morning.

What is the world coming to?!?!? Butterflies? Dumping food? How on earth will I survive???

Lol!!

Middle Ground

From Ordinary Abundance....

"I didn’t binge. Not even once. When you remove the restrictions, there is simply no need or desire for binging. It has occurred to me that binging is about breaking the rules. It’s an act of food anarchy. When you remove the rules and the punitive thoughts surrounding some foods, there is no need for rebellion or anarchy anymore.

Does this mean that we can just eat what we want, when we want until we fall over?

Actually, yes it does. If we wanted to. But Intuitive Eating is about caring enough about ourselves that we wouldn’t want to harm ourselves with food (anymore).

Weight is not the problem. It’s a symptom of the problem.

Food is not the problem. It’s a weapon we use to punish ourselves for having a problem in the first place."
 
This continues to be what I struggle most with. When your whole life is either DIET or BINGE, finding the middle ground is most complicated. ;)

Every day I continue to take notice of the times I don't eat. The times I walk by food without a second glance. The food that sits in my cupboards.

For me, it's a daily reminder that I DO NOT eat every thing in sight.

I eat what I want most. Not always, but most of the time. It's a constant reminder that I DO have strong preferences and that I know exactly what those preferences are. I am NOT some mindless slug, eating everything in my path. Put me in front of a buffet, and you will see. I KNOW WHAT I LIKE.

The diet industry has lied for so long to me that undoing the damage will take awhile. And every day I am out here beating the odds. I am standing on this island with the people who are breaking the mold. We are not giving in.

We will beat this beast.

One choice at a time. 

And Other Consequences

And of course the other issue with dh talking about WW last night was that I in turn spiraled out of control. To the point I was in pain eating.

See, the more I eat following Intuitive Eating, the less food I need to be satisfied. I know for a fact my stomach itself is holding less food. So any binge, hurts. Last night's hurt even more because I wasn't even remotely hungry.

Did I enjoy it? No.

Did it make me feel better? Honestly, this time no.

I did it as an F*ck you but I was the only one who got "hurt" by it.

Smooth.

AND YET....

I stopped. It ended. I came through stronger. :)

WW Rears It's Ugly Head

Crap.

Last night dh tried convince me to sign HIM up for the blasted W*eight Watchers. He is by no means overweight, but I guess decided he was and that it would help. The thing is, he has no idea I'M not doing it anymore.

Apparently it's time to come clean. Ugh.

I also told him the truth. That he would never be able to follow it. He wouldn't. It would drive him crazy. And in turn, he would drive me crazy.

Dang.