Power

This has got to end. I am weary of fighting myself over food. Of thinking that food has some magic power that it obviously doesn't.

I'm tired of nights spent tossing and turning from a stomach that is too full and from heartburn that irritates me all night long. Waking up with pain and feeling ill.

I'm weary of hiding behind a mountain of food. Using it to wall out people and feelings that frighten me. I KNOW...I know I have to power to face this head on, that feelings pass, that people are just people. And yet I use my drug of choice.

From Christie Inge this morning in my inbox. Words that spoke to me...

In this moment, can that chocolate give me what I’m truly looking for?

And when, the answer came back to me, it was always the same.

No. Because everything I need and want lives within me.

There was simply no need to struggle. Or fight. Or resist.

Because it was my truth.

And my truth doesn’t want to be smothered in chocolate. Or pizza. Or cheeseburgers and french fries. Or endless bags of potato chips.

My truth wants to be present. To feel. To live.

When I listen to my mind, it tells me stories about what food will give me that it simply can’t. My mind gives food power that it doesn’t have. It tells me that I can’t handle my feelings. Or the holidays. Or that I deserve it. Or that this person will judge me. Or that this person won’t like me. Or that saying no is rude. Or that I can’t create the body, the business, the life I want.

But, my body knows the truth.

And at it's core, that's it. That's what I need to believe. My mind gives food power that it doesn't have.

Sigh.

A new day.

Another chance.

Thank God.

I've made a pact with myself.

The last two weeks I've had episodes of my heart skipping and also of times where I can feel "bursts" of stomach acid go up in my esophagus. Both are painful and annoying (I've always had my heart skip beats, it's genetic in my family). And although both may or may not be related to my overeating, I decided last night to just give IE a shot again. Not for any other reason than to see if it helps with either of my physical symptoms.

If it helps, great! If not, well then I tried.

I also noticed that I've been using any perceived anger against my hubby as a reason to rebel and eat. I still can't completely put my finger on it, but it seems that I am making up excuses to overeat. That I am actually "creating" situations in which I am angry at him. I'm not quite seeing the full picture yet, but for the first time I'm beginning to see it for what it probably is. It's time to unravel the truth.

I will keep this blog updated about my progress this week. How Intuitive Eating helps with not only my emotional well-being, but also my physical self.

Whoa.

I was right.

I'm eating at night to stay awake.

The first couple hours watching TV were fine. I wasn't hungry and was interested in the shows. I enjoyed it.

Then I started to get sleepy. And started dozing off. And became uncomfortable. Physically and mentally.

So I got a couple snacks, woke up, and watched TV again. Hmmmm.....going to have to work on this one and how I want to manage it. If I go to bed (I've done that), I become wide awake after dozing off for a minute or so. Bed really isn't an option. Maybe doing something different? Reading? Sewing? Crafting? I'm going to have to think on this. ;)

Secondly, new discovery again about myself. Yesterday I had a hard time in general waiting for hunger. I just sort of grazed through food all day. When it got to be evening, I considered waiting for hunger. My conversation in my head went something like this...

"I'm really not hungry, I should wait a bit to eat."

"The beauty of eating this way instead of dieting is that I can start over anytime."

"I could start over now."

"But I ate so much today I won't feel hunger again tonight so I'll just keep eating."

Whoa....what?!?!? 

What was that?!?!?

So a reason I haven't been following IE in the evening is because I know I'm not going to be hungry because I already ate so much?!?!?

Well.

Interesting.

Wouldn't it make more sense to follow it all day, knowing that without a doubt I will have hunger again?

Something to think about.

An Epiphany

I had a bit of an epiphany last night. It seems like a no-brainer now, but last night it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have figured out that my emotional eating in the evening has two parts. For so long I had thought I ate at night because I needed to relax. This past week I've really paid attention to my feelings while I detached myself from my eating.

What I found is that I eat first because I'm tired, and it's a way to wake myself up. And second because I don't want to say "no" in the bedroom to dh. Let me rephrase that. It's not that I don't want to say "no", it's because I desperately want to be allowed to say "no" without having him unload a ton of bricks of guilt on me. Because "no" is something I was never allowed as a child or in the first 10 years or so of our marriage, "no" is like a precious jewel to me. Very hard to come by and something I hold tightly too. I have my reasons. I can't explain them to him.

I want to be allowed to have control over this part of me without being made to feel "bad". When you have not had that, it affects you. Deeply. And the further into IE I get, the more I feel the need to set personal boundaries I have not set. I want to be ok, and I want him to be ok, with my "no's".

We're not there yet.

But.

Back to my epiphany.

Here's the thing. I am beginning to find the courage to say "no" when I mean "no". As I went to bed last night and he left, it occurred to me that the end result is the same whether I eat or not. He leaves and I feel the same amount of guilt. It occurred to me for the first time last night, that I can get to the same end result without eating.

The eating no longer serves any real purpose.

I am truly surprised to realize this. Truly. I had thought that I continued to eat to cover feelings of anxiety. At this point in my journey it's no longer true. I'm not anxious until I walk up those stairs to go to bed. The eating I've been doing is not serving any purpose other than to battle fatigue.

So what if I stopped? What if I just allowed myself to doze off and on? What if I read or did some other activity? Because truthfully? Eating at night has served it's purpose and is no longer useful to me.

What a weird thought after years and years of covering up feelings.

I need to think about this one today.

No More Cocoon

Effindiets had a post awhile back about the disadvantages of being naturally thin. She wanted us to each make a list of why it would not be in our best interest. Here is my list:

-I will have to let go of diets forever
-I will have to be ok letting others talk about their diets without me feeling guilty
-I will have to wait for hunger
-I will have to let food on my plate
-I will have to say “no”
-I will have to accept that I AM one of “those people”
-I will have to allow myself pleasure in eating again
-I will have to accept that others will be uncomfortable, and that it’s ok for me to be comfortable
-Others will scrutinize my food choices
-Dieting and thinking about dieting will no longer take up most of my thoughts
-I will have to find things to enjoy
-I won’t have an answer when people ask how I stay so slim

Of this list, the two I struggle the most with are "accept that others will be uncomfortable and that it's ok for me to be comfortable" and "having to say no". Both of these are the emotions/actions I shove under the food rug most often. The ones I eat to say "FU" instead of dealing with.

I feel the need to cover these two emotions/actions most often with my hubby. For 20 some years now, I have never been one to allow myself to just be comfortable in my own skin. I have been working to please him for as long. I don't like telling him "no" because right away he glares at me and says mean things, making me feel less than.

I am breaking free.

I am finding my own skin to be ok in.

It's causing dh and I to fight. A lot. He doesn't necessarily like this new me. The one with strong opinions. The one that doesn't just bend to. The me that feels differently than him and isn't afraid to say it anymore. No matter what it costs me.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. To death. I really truly do. For everything bad about him, there about 10 good things that balance it out.

But....the thing is, this road I'm on is not one I can turn back on. The longer I'm on this path, the stronger I feel. The more I am finding myself. The less I want to be the person I used to be.

I feel like a butterfly pulling out of this cocoon. Once the butterfly begins to break out, you can't shove it back in. It's not possible.

Growing pains. That's what I'm feeling. Good growing pains. I can see that this half of my life is going to be amazing! I watch things begin to unfold and I am darn excited for the future.

And for pete's sake, I dumped half a muffin this morning.

What is the world coming to?!?!? Butterflies? Dumping food? How on earth will I survive???

Lol!!

WW Rears It's Ugly Head

Crap.

Last night dh tried convince me to sign HIM up for the blasted W*eight Watchers. He is by no means overweight, but I guess decided he was and that it would help. The thing is, he has no idea I'M not doing it anymore.

Apparently it's time to come clean. Ugh.

I also told him the truth. That he would never be able to follow it. He wouldn't. It would drive him crazy. And in turn, he would drive me crazy.

Dang.

Lesson To Self

Last night I made a mistake. One I did learn from however.

I let myself get very, very hungry. Once hunger hit, I knew exactly what I wanted to eat. I wanted to go Culv*rs and get a pot roast sandwich.

However.....

I still have an issue with eating in front of dh when I'm hungry but it's not "mealtime". I very much feel judgement from him. Whether it's real or just perceived, it doesn't matter. I still feel it.

Last night, I needed to pick up dd from work at 9pm. I got hungry at 7:30pm. We live 10 minutes from where she works. I figured if I left at 8:30, I could eat out and still justify how long I was gone. The problem came when it got to be 8:00 and I was terribly hungry. By 8:15 I felt like I might throw up I was so hungry. Still, I felt like I should be able to wait 15 more minutes before leaving.

By the time I got to town at almost 9:00, I had a headache and felt so sick. I wanted to go to Culv*ers but our van is having an issue and it would have been too loud in the drive-through. Instead I settled on S*bway. I literally inhaled that food, but was still hungry. Came home and had chips and a candy bar, fruit snacks, and licorice. Ending with a chocolate swiss cake. It was not a good way to end the night, BUT I did stop and did finally find full.

Lesson to self?

Eat when I am hungry. No matter what.

Seriously.

That's it.

If I'm going to live like this, in a normal way, forever, I need to learn that it's ok to eat when I'm hungry. That's it's normal to eat when I'm hungry. I need to honor myself by caring for myself. I need to let go of the guilt I carry for others, the way I hate making others uncomfortable. I need to care for me.

 

Whoops

It is a mistake to let myself get too hungry.

Whoops.

Diets Suck. I Don't.

I found a site that is transforming my thoughts about ME. Last night I read on there for an hour. Today, another 2 hours. I cannot get enough of this site!

EffinDiets

Three truths I am using already today:

*My mantra today has been, "I will not eat when I am hungry. Who would eat when they're hungry? That's ridiculous!" That thought alone is making me laugh. Think about it.

Really think about it! What dumb lies we have fed ourselves! ;)

*Using my "but". I ate all that BUT I didn't eat it all. I ate a cookie at noon BUT I was satisfied after that.

Compare that to my previous way of thinking:

"I ate all that! I hate myself! Why can't I stop?"

See the difference??? HUGE.

*No matter what, I always stop eating. Again, something we choose to overlook. I always stop. I am today writing down all the times I stop. The times I walk by. They are many. I'm choosing to focus not on the times I overeat, but the times I don't. Because the truth is, we stop and we walk by hundreds of times every. single. day. It's time to stand up and recognize that.

We are born to eat this way. We ALL have it in us. We just need to find our way back to it.

 

 

Perfectly Acceptable

Didn't want to forget this quote from Fat Heffalump, so copied it right down....

You are a perfectly acceptable human being right now, this minute. You are just as valid as any other human being, without changing a single thing about yourself. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want to grow, evolve or improve yourself, or you can’t do better sometimes, it just means right now this instant, you are worthy of your own self love. Even if it is hard to love yourself sometimes (and boy, is it!), or you’re struggling with some really difficult stuff in your life, you still deserve it.

So dearest you, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and give the best version of you that you can give, but know that even in the tough times, you are still valid, worthy and deserving of your own self love.

Selfish

Last night was stressful. On so many levels. But in a way, that was good because I realized something about myself.

I crave peace and quiet to relax.

The weather here has been cold and rainy after a cold and dreary winter. Being cooped up is wearing on me. Badly. The kids are literally climbing the walls and the noise in this house is at record volumes. Arguing. Whining. Boredom.

Last night I went to relax on the couch with my book and the TV. I had had a tough day eating and I was far beyond stuffed. Yet I went to get some chocolate bars out of the freezer as I always do, every night. To relax.

This time, oldest dd came home. Soon followed by second dd. Both came down and were loud and talkative. I ate the chocolate. I read. I didn't get to watch my TV. And I went to bed completely stressed.

It was then I realized what would have helped.

Last night would have been a perfect night to soak in the quiet tub with a book. Last night was the first night ever that I accepted that food does not soothe me like it used to.

I want more.

I want peace. Food is not giving that to me.

As I laid in bed, waiting to fall asleep, I put together a small list of ways to help myself relax. Ways that would truly help.

Walk.

Read.

Bath.

Library.

Drive.

Shop.

I am a person that needs alone time. I just do. My days are filled with chaos. I need space to recuperate. Without food. I want this. Is it selfish? Or is it finding a way to heal?

I want this.

Hard

I'm still struggling here.

Things are made worse by the fact that dh and I are fighting. Constantly. About everything. It's exhausting me. He feels sorry for himself all the time and I can't deal with all these kids and then him on top of it. He snaps at all of us all the time. I'm so weary of it. Is this his midlife crisis? If so, it's going to send me off the deep end right along with him.

Top it off with the fact that he parades around in my face all the time with his weight loss and his eating habits, and yeah, its' a recipe for disaster. :( I'm tired of it. Really, really tired of it.

I turn to food for comfort. More than anything, I want to find new coping skills. I need to find new coping skills. Because if this truly is a midlife crisis on his end, I'm in for a fight.

More and more this journey is becoming about ME. About finding ME. About taking care of ME.

Selfish?

I don't think so. But it is one thing in my messed up life that I can do to help myself.

Sigh.

I'm so weary. :(

80%

I am finding myself discouraged that I cannot consistently seem to break the "diet/binge" cycle. I know I have to patience with myself, to undo all the broken thought processes that years of dieting and binging have left. But it's hard. I'm not going to lie. More than anything I want to be a consistent intuitive eater. I'm getting there. It's just a lot more undoing than I realized.

And it's frustrating to gain back weight. It is. I do honestly feel like once I become even an 80% intuitive eater, that the weight will stabilize, but this middle ground remains tough for me.

I am so angry at the diet industry. I truly am. They feed people such lies. Lies that wreck hearts and lives. I am determined to beat them at their own game. I love myself too much to give in again to them.

I will find peace.

I will.

Eating 101

am really beginning to learn some things about myself and my eating through this process.

I am learning that when I'm hungry, I have absolutely no guilt about eating in front of dh, no matter what time it is or when we ate last. The other night I was hungry when we got home from an event. So I went about making a sandwich. Dh did his usual come out of the room he was in to check what I was eating. I just kept making my sandwich. Actually, my first thought was, "duh, of course I'm eating! I'm HUNGRY!". :) For the first time, I realized that HE should feel guilty for thinking I'm bad to eat. I am allowed to eat when I'm hungry!

I am learning that if I wait to eat until I'm hungry, the food tastes amazing. I'm getting hooked on that feeling! And if I savor every bite, my body definitely tells me when I'm full. I honestly can see now, how this heals. It works because of the feeling you get when you wait. It's empowering. It's kick ass. It's saying yeah, I feed myself well and I care for myself. Nourishing myself this way is filling a very deep need in my soul. It's remembering that I am someone. That I matter. That I am worth this.

I am learning that my highest trigger time is really not a trigger at all. For as long as I can remember, I've always munched at night while watching TV or reading. Always. Even when doing the nasty DIEting I would eat at night. It's also my biggest time for binging. Just something I do because I've always done it.

The last few nights I've been allowing myself to see what it would be like not to eat at night if I'm not hungry. I assumed ahead of time, that it would be very hard and that I wouldn't be able to follow through. That mouth hunger would overcome me and I would need to binge.

I. was. wrong.

Before I even tried this mini-experiment, I told myself a couple of things. First, that if I needed to eat out of mouth hunger, that it would be fine and I wouldn't beat myself up about it. Second, that I am able to deal with feelings. I am no longer that scared child. That the feelings that overwhelmed me as a child, are almost always manageable as the adult I am.

So I sat. And I watched TV. And I read. And I waited.

Did I snack?

Yes.

And no.

I found that there is a huge amount of peace for me in just sitting and enjoying the things I'm doing. Doing those things without eating. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I love to sit and watch TV quietly without eating, but I do. It is a peaceful, calming time for me.

I am learning.

Every day, every hunger, every mouth hunger, is a new opportunity for me to learn more about who I really am.

I'm loving the journey. I'm embracing the journey.

I am feeling powerful over my life.

I am becoming ME.

Binge or Desire?

Yesterday we went to the bakery for a snack mid-afternoon. I wanted one of the lemon poppy-seed muffins that I saw. I chose a chocolate snail.

Weird. :/

This morning as I thought about it all, I began to understand something.

A lemon poppy-seed muffin is not a "binge" food.

A chocolate donut is.

By choosing the chocolate donut, I chose what I thought I would choose if I were off a diet. If I were on a binge. The forbidden food. The trigger food. The food that people "off a diet and on a binge" eat.

Being an intuitive eater has to be more than "off a diet". More than ever I realize that now. It has to be about allowing myself to eat what I truly want, accepting deep in my heart that I will never diet again.

Apparently I'm not there yet. But realizing this one small thing, has opened a huge amount of work for me.

Being ok with not eating "binge" foods. And realizing that I will be ok. The donut will be there another day. Feeding myself what I really want could be incredibly life changing.

There is a difference between a "binge" and a "desire".

My goal now is to really search through that one.

And just for fun, here is a neat report on milk. "Is Skim Milk Making You Fat?". I don't care about the "fat" part. What I felt like screaming when I read it is what my body has told me all along. I crave whole foods. Whole milk, real butter, real cheese. I have always felt more full and much more satisfied eating these foods. I feel like I am caring for myself when I eat them, and lo and behold, I might have been right all along! I am much, much less likely to feel a need to binge when I am caring for myself by feeding myself real, full-fat foods. The wonderful, beautiful, filling taste and the way it makes me smile inside.

Yeah, no diet crap in this house. What a lie these diet companies weave. Makes me so angry. I will never go back. THIS life is the good one. They have it all a$$-backwards.

Don't Police Me

I'm figuring out that a lot of my binging comes from anger towards those who police me. It's a way of saying f*** you without ever saying anything. Last night I really thought about this. About how deeply angry and resentful it makes me, and how eating doesn't solve the problem at all. I'm 40ish years old, and I still don't use my words to express my feelings.

That needs to stop.

I'm done using food as my only way of expressing myself. I don't need extra pounds to tell someone I'm sick of them in my face about things. It's time to try using my words.I'm thinking people are going to think I'm a b*tch. I'm not sure I care.

And thinking about it, I would say I use food more for this reason than for any other reason at all. I don't use it to mask my feelings, as much as I use it to "speak" my feelings. I am allowed to eat. I am allowed to eat. I am allowed to eat.I read last night that I can't start healing until I stop sneaking. I believe it. The sneaking is masking such a large amount of anger at people wanting to control my life. Wow.

I want my hubby to trust me to make my own decisions regarding food and my body. I want him to stop pretending he's better than me, eating his fruit and exercising, and I want him to let me make my own decisions. It seems I went straight from my dad policing me to my hubby doing the same. The men in my life are causing me a wee bit of stress and it's time for them to back off. I have no idea how to do this. But I have plenty of time to think about it.

On another note, I have gone through most of my FFF's. I have a box of donuts still in the cupboard. I have candy in the freezer. All of it remains comforting to me, but untouched. I don't feel I need it. What I want more than anything right now, is food that I cook. I want to go back to meal planning and baking and to find a way to be ok with that. It is a trigger for me, but one I feel like I'm ready to conquer next. Today my goal is to find some recipes and to find joy in cooking again. This is going to be tricky for me because hubby is on this "health kick" and is going to be harping at me about the food I choose to prepare. It's also going to cause him to step up his policing. He already is strutting around acting better than me. All. The. Time.

D*mn.

I guess it's time for me to grow a spine.

Leap Of Faith

That's what this is really, this whole intuitive eating. It's a leap of faith for me.

My whole life has revolved around dieting or binging, and I'm struggling to realize and accept there's something in the middle. Something wonderful, but something I'm afraid to grasp. I so badly want this, but where my struggle lies in taking that leap.

Dieting involves someone else making strict rules I need to follow. Easy enough.

Binging involves me never consciously thinking. Easy too.

This? This intuitive eating? Requires me to be an active leader in my own life.

This requires me to be a grown up and to stop blaming.

That's tough for me. To accept responsibility for my own self. And to love myself unconditionally.

New territory...

Backpedal

After some really good days, I had a minor incident. ;) I let myself run out of FFF's. I thought it would not matter. Oh my was I ever wrong! I went into panic mode, eating everything in sight. For 2 days.

Today I am off to buy Pringl*s, Hersh*y bars, and bread. Interestingly enough, I'm also going to get hot dogs. Not for me, but for my two kids. I have severely limited and tried control their intake of hot dogs for years now. So guess which food they absolutely obsess about?!?!? Yep. I figure if it works for me, it will work for them. I'm letting down my guard with them, in an attempt to stop them from having issues later. I thought I was doing that by controlling their intake, but seeing this process in myself, I'm having to backpedal.

The more I restrict, the more I/they want.

Duh.

It's common sense.

So we'll all be desensitizing ourselves here. They'll probably have hot dogs every meal till they accept they can have them anytime. I'll do the same with my foods.

In the end, we'll all be fine. I have no doubt about that. :)

Beyond Sneaky

When I was a teen and began struggling with food, one of my largest issues was needing to "sneak" food. I would take my bike to town and buy a bag of donuts or candy, and go sit by the library and eat as quickly and as much as I could. Then I would hide the bag. After any particularly stressful night, I would quietly go into the kitchen and try sneak cookies or cake. I became a master at setting the lid quietly on the cookie jar. Sometimes my mom and dad would hear me and my mom would holler out, "out of the cookie jar!" My dad would also stalk me in the kitchen when I cooked, making sure I guess, that I wasn't snooping any of the food. Meat was my biggie. I loved a piece of hamburger with salt on it and the minute he'd leave, I'd quickly make myself some and devour it.

I followed this same pattern into my marriage. Sneaking pizzas into the oven after dh went to bed. Hiding bags of candy around the house and locking myself in rooms to eat them. Going to town and buying donuts or candy or ice cream and quickly eating it before I would come home. All the while, "hiding" the evidence.

It became a game. An unhealthy one, but one at which I was a master player.

And that's what I'm working so hard to undo today.

By legalizing food, I am in reality saying "no" to the side of myself that plays the game. Saying I am allowed to eat when I am hungry.

Period.

I wish with all my heart that my mom had had a better relationship with food, so that she wouldn't have put this on me. She still thinks she's fat and is always on the next diet or the latest craze. She is 67. And she is far from fat. She isn't even overweight. I wish she would have come out of her room and talked with me. And let me eat in her presence. It must have stirred up too many feelings about herself. So we never talked. I talk with my girls for this very reason. They also eat what they want, when they want. All are at healthy weights. None will weigh themselves. They know who they are and they do not judge themselves based on their weight.

And my dh.

Our history has made it difficult for me to eat around him. To not sneak food. I feel like he's always watching and analyzing every morsel I put in my mouth, every decision I make. He doesn't trust me.

Last night I wanted a dessert I'd made. I had finished my late supper and was well within my hunger guidelines. I went upstairs and was carefully and quietly pulling the container out of the fridge so that he wouldn't hear. And I thought, "no, I am ALLOWED to eat". Over and over I said that. I set the pan on the counter, I got a bowl out of the cupboard, and I scooped myself some. Trying to do this as if I had no hang-ups. It was terribly, terribly hard. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. I wanted to run with every fiber of my being. I forced myself to stand there and continue. I put the pan back in the fridge and just as I did, dh came out of the bedroom. I knew he would. He heard me getting food, so he had to check up on me.

Normally I would have quickly gotten to the stairs and gone down. This time I forced myself to walk slowly down, as I felt him behind me looking. Hardest thing I've ever done. To allow myself to eat. To say "It's ok, people eat". But I did it.

It's going to take some time, patience, and love to undo all this damage. One decision at a time.

And for the record? It was the best dessert I've eaten. I savored every. single. bite.

Without too much guilt and without ripping myself apart.

Letting Go

So I've definitely put on a couple pounds. Although I still fit in my clothes ok, they're definitely not as comfortable. I remained gentle with myself.

It seems that going off this diet has spun me into binge mode. Because that's all I've really known. Diet. Or binge. There was never any middle ground. "Not on a diet" means I'm binging.

So as I sat here tonight I began to realize that I am worth fighting for. That I am worth more than the next binge. That there IS something in between and it's called eating normally.

And that's where I'm heading.

One decision at a time.

Caring for myself.

I went for a walk today.

Not to lose weight. Not for any reason other than I wanted to.

Now THAT'S a good feeling. :)