Power

This has got to end. I am weary of fighting myself over food. Of thinking that food has some magic power that it obviously doesn't.

I'm tired of nights spent tossing and turning from a stomach that is too full and from heartburn that irritates me all night long. Waking up with pain and feeling ill.

I'm weary of hiding behind a mountain of food. Using it to wall out people and feelings that frighten me. I KNOW...I know I have to power to face this head on, that feelings pass, that people are just people. And yet I use my drug of choice.

From Christie Inge this morning in my inbox. Words that spoke to me...

In this moment, can that chocolate give me what I’m truly looking for?

And when, the answer came back to me, it was always the same.

No. Because everything I need and want lives within me.

There was simply no need to struggle. Or fight. Or resist.

Because it was my truth.

And my truth doesn’t want to be smothered in chocolate. Or pizza. Or cheeseburgers and french fries. Or endless bags of potato chips.

My truth wants to be present. To feel. To live.

When I listen to my mind, it tells me stories about what food will give me that it simply can’t. My mind gives food power that it doesn’t have. It tells me that I can’t handle my feelings. Or the holidays. Or that I deserve it. Or that this person will judge me. Or that this person won’t like me. Or that saying no is rude. Or that I can’t create the body, the business, the life I want.

But, my body knows the truth.

And at it's core, that's it. That's what I need to believe. My mind gives food power that it doesn't have.

Sigh.

A new day.

Another chance.

Thank God.

Again...

I'm back.

I need somewhere to hammer things out. And so I'm back.

I start therapy on the 23rd. I've been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and depression.

Good times. :)

Taking care of myself is hard. Hard work. I'm not sure I'm ready. Ever ready to abandon food. I have good days and harder days.

In the end, food is definitely a protective shield for me.

How to get past that?

I've made a pact with myself.

The last two weeks I've had episodes of my heart skipping and also of times where I can feel "bursts" of stomach acid go up in my esophagus. Both are painful and annoying (I've always had my heart skip beats, it's genetic in my family). And although both may or may not be related to my overeating, I decided last night to just give IE a shot again. Not for any other reason than to see if it helps with either of my physical symptoms.

If it helps, great! If not, well then I tried.

I also noticed that I've been using any perceived anger against my hubby as a reason to rebel and eat. I still can't completely put my finger on it, but it seems that I am making up excuses to overeat. That I am actually "creating" situations in which I am angry at him. I'm not quite seeing the full picture yet, but for the first time I'm beginning to see it for what it probably is. It's time to unravel the truth.

I will keep this blog updated about my progress this week. How Intuitive Eating helps with not only my emotional well-being, but also my physical self.

Lost

I have been eating out of control.

I can't seem to stop.

I can't seem to want to stop.

I'm lost.

The Difference

All the things I'm hearing, all of it, came crashing in tonight.

"Eating intuitively is not the same as binging."

"If you continue to binge, you will gain weight."

Etc. On and on.

It's been rough.

I almost came here earlier, asking "How do you stop? How do you go from dieting and binging to stopping?". But I didn't. Why not? Because I know the answer.

I can keep "researching" and "reading blogs", or I can commit to this.

Therein lies the difference.

The doorway.

Either I step up and do it, or I wallow in the "how's" and "why's" that I already have the answers to.

Tonight I choose to step up.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Miserable Diet

My life is so complex. And I'm feeling it right now.

The desire to eat intuitively.

The desire to binge and not feel.

It just feels so overwhelming. I don't want to treat IE like another diet. But in many ways it feels like just that. I have to find a way to see beyond that.

The overeating/binging is not good. It almost always occurs at night. It leaves me so uncomfortable that sleep is a mess. I toss and turn all night. Dreaming weird dreams. Waking off and on. Feeling physically awful in the morning. Taking Tylenol to soothe the "withdrawl".

It's not good.

I want (and need) to drop the diet mentality. That's what I need to let go of.

Because until I see IE as living and not dieting, I will forever be searching for the next binge.

Then

And then I read this....

Note To Self

What I needed to hear.