Miserable Diet

My life is so complex. And I'm feeling it right now.

The desire to eat intuitively.

The desire to binge and not feel.

It just feels so overwhelming. I don't want to treat IE like another diet. But in many ways it feels like just that. I have to find a way to see beyond that.

The overeating/binging is not good. It almost always occurs at night. It leaves me so uncomfortable that sleep is a mess. I toss and turn all night. Dreaming weird dreams. Waking off and on. Feeling physically awful in the morning. Taking Tylenol to soothe the "withdrawl".

It's not good.

I want (and need) to drop the diet mentality. That's what I need to let go of.

Because until I see IE as living and not dieting, I will forever be searching for the next binge.

No More Cocoon

Effindiets had a post awhile back about the disadvantages of being naturally thin. She wanted us to each make a list of why it would not be in our best interest. Here is my list:

-I will have to let go of diets forever
-I will have to be ok letting others talk about their diets without me feeling guilty
-I will have to wait for hunger
-I will have to let food on my plate
-I will have to say “no”
-I will have to accept that I AM one of “those people”
-I will have to allow myself pleasure in eating again
-I will have to accept that others will be uncomfortable, and that it’s ok for me to be comfortable
-Others will scrutinize my food choices
-Dieting and thinking about dieting will no longer take up most of my thoughts
-I will have to find things to enjoy
-I won’t have an answer when people ask how I stay so slim

Of this list, the two I struggle the most with are "accept that others will be uncomfortable and that it's ok for me to be comfortable" and "having to say no". Both of these are the emotions/actions I shove under the food rug most often. The ones I eat to say "FU" instead of dealing with.

I feel the need to cover these two emotions/actions most often with my hubby. For 20 some years now, I have never been one to allow myself to just be comfortable in my own skin. I have been working to please him for as long. I don't like telling him "no" because right away he glares at me and says mean things, making me feel less than.

I am breaking free.

I am finding my own skin to be ok in.

It's causing dh and I to fight. A lot. He doesn't necessarily like this new me. The one with strong opinions. The one that doesn't just bend to. The me that feels differently than him and isn't afraid to say it anymore. No matter what it costs me.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. To death. I really truly do. For everything bad about him, there about 10 good things that balance it out.

But....the thing is, this road I'm on is not one I can turn back on. The longer I'm on this path, the stronger I feel. The more I am finding myself. The less I want to be the person I used to be.

I feel like a butterfly pulling out of this cocoon. Once the butterfly begins to break out, you can't shove it back in. It's not possible.

Growing pains. That's what I'm feeling. Good growing pains. I can see that this half of my life is going to be amazing! I watch things begin to unfold and I am darn excited for the future.

And for pete's sake, I dumped half a muffin this morning.

What is the world coming to?!?!? Butterflies? Dumping food? How on earth will I survive???

Lol!!

And Other Consequences

And of course the other issue with dh talking about WW last night was that I in turn spiraled out of control. To the point I was in pain eating.

See, the more I eat following Intuitive Eating, the less food I need to be satisfied. I know for a fact my stomach itself is holding less food. So any binge, hurts. Last night's hurt even more because I wasn't even remotely hungry.

Did I enjoy it? No.

Did it make me feel better? Honestly, this time no.

I did it as an F*ck you but I was the only one who got "hurt" by it.

Smooth.

AND YET....

I stopped. It ended. I came through stronger. :)