All the things I'm hearing, all of it, came crashing in tonight.
"Eating intuitively is not the same as binging."
"If you continue to binge, you will gain weight."
Etc. On and on.
It's been rough.
I almost came here earlier, asking "How do you stop? How do you go from dieting and binging to stopping?". But I didn't. Why not? Because I know the answer.
I can keep "researching" and "reading blogs", or I can commit to this.
Therein lies the difference.
The doorway.
Either I step up and do it, or I wallow in the "how's" and "why's" that I already have the answers to.
Tonight I choose to step up.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Showing posts with label Life outside the diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life outside the diet. Show all posts
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Miserable Diet
My life is so complex. And I'm feeling it right now.
The desire to eat intuitively.
The desire to binge and not feel.
It just feels so overwhelming. I don't want to treat IE like another diet. But in many ways it feels like just that. I have to find a way to see beyond that.
The overeating/binging is not good. It almost always occurs at night. It leaves me so uncomfortable that sleep is a mess. I toss and turn all night. Dreaming weird dreams. Waking off and on. Feeling physically awful in the morning. Taking Tylenol to soothe the "withdrawl".
It's not good.
I want (and need) to drop the diet mentality. That's what I need to let go of.
Because until I see IE as living and not dieting, I will forever be searching for the next binge.
The desire to eat intuitively.
The desire to binge and not feel.
It just feels so overwhelming. I don't want to treat IE like another diet. But in many ways it feels like just that. I have to find a way to see beyond that.
The overeating/binging is not good. It almost always occurs at night. It leaves me so uncomfortable that sleep is a mess. I toss and turn all night. Dreaming weird dreams. Waking off and on. Feeling physically awful in the morning. Taking Tylenol to soothe the "withdrawl".
It's not good.
I want (and need) to drop the diet mentality. That's what I need to let go of.
Because until I see IE as living and not dieting, I will forever be searching for the next binge.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Kill Me
Everything about this book is rocking my world. It literally has sapped the "fun", the "thrill of the sneak" out of eating when I'm not hungry. Hundreds of times a day, I am forcing myself to stay present with myself. To not give in and zone out. To live.
It's hard.
Very hard.
But oh the wonderful flavors when I am hungry! I am amazed at how food really tastes!
Last night was difficult. I had a great time with my older girls, shopping and just hanging out. We got home and all of them went their separate ways. This is prime time for me to eat. Happiness (well really ANY emotion) is a trigger for me to eat. I think I binge to numb the intensity of the feeling. I think in my head I don't think I deserve any of this. That any emotion in life is too...much.
Last night I forced myself to stay in the moment. To sit and feel the feelings. Accepting that there is a God who is bigger than any emotion I feel and that if I just go through the feeling, He is there.
I went through a gamut of emotions as I sat. Some which surprised me. Fear, anger, joy, sadness, love.
Guess what?
The emotions didn't kill me. I lived through them and even found moments that I could stay present with myself.
This is very much the beginning of the end of dieting for me.
I can feel with every part of my being that this is different. I feel almost as if I am waking up from a food-induced coma and finding that I am changed. Or maybe that I was here all along. Hidden beneath the layers of eating.
I am strong.
God is stronger.
A binge is no longer a binge when you take away it's power to control you.
It is a good beginning.
It's hard.
Very hard.
But oh the wonderful flavors when I am hungry! I am amazed at how food really tastes!
Last night was difficult. I had a great time with my older girls, shopping and just hanging out. We got home and all of them went their separate ways. This is prime time for me to eat. Happiness (well really ANY emotion) is a trigger for me to eat. I think I binge to numb the intensity of the feeling. I think in my head I don't think I deserve any of this. That any emotion in life is too...much.
Last night I forced myself to stay in the moment. To sit and feel the feelings. Accepting that there is a God who is bigger than any emotion I feel and that if I just go through the feeling, He is there.
I went through a gamut of emotions as I sat. Some which surprised me. Fear, anger, joy, sadness, love.
Guess what?
The emotions didn't kill me. I lived through them and even found moments that I could stay present with myself.
This is very much the beginning of the end of dieting for me.
I can feel with every part of my being that this is different. I feel almost as if I am waking up from a food-induced coma and finding that I am changed. Or maybe that I was here all along. Hidden beneath the layers of eating.
I am strong.
God is stronger.
A binge is no longer a binge when you take away it's power to control you.
It is a good beginning.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Worthy
Had an honest talk with hubby this morning. By text. Told him about my fears of being vulnerable and how it impacts US.
I grew up in a home that was severely verbally abusive. One of my sisters struck back. She now lives as far away as she can get. Another sister talked back. She too struggles with her weight but is able to speak out. We all protected our youngest sister. She is healthy.
Me? I internalized everything. All of it. Withdrew into myself. Became unable to trust anyone with my deepest feelings. Being in a large crowd of unknown people is easy for me. It's all superficial, so I'm good with that. Happy, charming, funny, sweet.
It's when you come closer that I withdraw. I become quiet, uncomfortable, painfully shy. I often wish I could just disappear.
Somewhere in this journey I began to find a friend in food. Food never hurt me (only it did). Food never talked back. Food wouldn't leave me.
But this warped relationship with food as my lover and best friend is no longer working.
Especially in my marriage. Marriage is a partnership, but it doesn't work when only one partner is in a healthy place emotionally.
As I've continued with IE I've realized that this is no longer working for me. That truthfully it never has. That food can not hold it's own anymore. That at the end of a binge is emptiness and a cavernous void. That what I crave more than anything is human connection.
It terrifies me. To put myself out there. To be vulnerable to the person who has the most potential to hurt me.
To the person who has the most potential to love me.
But.....
What if instead of bringing the pain I anticipate, allowing myself to be vulnerable and be loved brings joy? What if I find happiness in marriage and intimacy? What if I acknowledge my needs as worthy? What if instead of shutting others out, I live my life with others in it?
I think I'm wiling to try.
Hubby knows the demons he's up against and how they haunt me and will me to cower in fear. He knows that this is new and terrifying ground for me.
And he still loves me.
What if I break free?
I grew up in a home that was severely verbally abusive. One of my sisters struck back. She now lives as far away as she can get. Another sister talked back. She too struggles with her weight but is able to speak out. We all protected our youngest sister. She is healthy.
Me? I internalized everything. All of it. Withdrew into myself. Became unable to trust anyone with my deepest feelings. Being in a large crowd of unknown people is easy for me. It's all superficial, so I'm good with that. Happy, charming, funny, sweet.
It's when you come closer that I withdraw. I become quiet, uncomfortable, painfully shy. I often wish I could just disappear.
Somewhere in this journey I began to find a friend in food. Food never hurt me (only it did). Food never talked back. Food wouldn't leave me.
But this warped relationship with food as my lover and best friend is no longer working.
Especially in my marriage. Marriage is a partnership, but it doesn't work when only one partner is in a healthy place emotionally.
As I've continued with IE I've realized that this is no longer working for me. That truthfully it never has. That food can not hold it's own anymore. That at the end of a binge is emptiness and a cavernous void. That what I crave more than anything is human connection.
It terrifies me. To put myself out there. To be vulnerable to the person who has the most potential to hurt me.
To the person who has the most potential to love me.
But.....
What if instead of bringing the pain I anticipate, allowing myself to be vulnerable and be loved brings joy? What if I find happiness in marriage and intimacy? What if I acknowledge my needs as worthy? What if instead of shutting others out, I live my life with others in it?
I think I'm wiling to try.
Hubby knows the demons he's up against and how they haunt me and will me to cower in fear. He knows that this is new and terrifying ground for me.
And he still loves me.
What if I break free?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Enough
I don't know. I've been having a worse time than normal. It almost seems to me like I'm grieving not only letting go of the food habits, but also grieving letting go of the lifestyle of an overeater. I didn't realize that so much of my whole person was wrapped up in the sneaking, the snacking, the constantly looking for the next thing to stuff my face with.
I have been being gentle with myself and really noticing not only the times I do wait for hunger, but also the times I walk past food and don't eat.
It's just that it doesn't seem to be enough right now. I am ordering the book Women, Food, and God. Roth's book have helped me greatly in the past, and I've heard only good about this one as well.
There is a void of some sort in my life that food has filled for these 25 years, and my dream is to fill that void with something else. I long for that day. But it scares me too.
How did you overcome your fears and move forward?
I have been being gentle with myself and really noticing not only the times I do wait for hunger, but also the times I walk past food and don't eat.
It's just that it doesn't seem to be enough right now. I am ordering the book Women, Food, and God. Roth's book have helped me greatly in the past, and I've heard only good about this one as well.
There is a void of some sort in my life that food has filled for these 25 years, and my dream is to fill that void with something else. I long for that day. But it scares me too.
How did you overcome your fears and move forward?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
WW Rears It's Ugly Head
Crap.
Last night dh tried convince me to sign HIM up for the blasted W*eight Watchers. He is by no means overweight, but I guess decided he was and that it would help. The thing is, he has no idea I'M not doing it anymore.
Apparently it's time to come clean. Ugh.
I also told him the truth. That he would never be able to follow it. He wouldn't. It would drive him crazy. And in turn, he would drive me crazy.
Dang.
Last night dh tried convince me to sign HIM up for the blasted W*eight Watchers. He is by no means overweight, but I guess decided he was and that it would help. The thing is, he has no idea I'M not doing it anymore.
Apparently it's time to come clean. Ugh.
I also told him the truth. That he would never be able to follow it. He wouldn't. It would drive him crazy. And in turn, he would drive me crazy.
Dang.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)