Lesson To Self

Last night I made a mistake. One I did learn from however.

I let myself get very, very hungry. Once hunger hit, I knew exactly what I wanted to eat. I wanted to go Culv*rs and get a pot roast sandwich.

However.....

I still have an issue with eating in front of dh when I'm hungry but it's not "mealtime". I very much feel judgement from him. Whether it's real or just perceived, it doesn't matter. I still feel it.

Last night, I needed to pick up dd from work at 9pm. I got hungry at 7:30pm. We live 10 minutes from where she works. I figured if I left at 8:30, I could eat out and still justify how long I was gone. The problem came when it got to be 8:00 and I was terribly hungry. By 8:15 I felt like I might throw up I was so hungry. Still, I felt like I should be able to wait 15 more minutes before leaving.

By the time I got to town at almost 9:00, I had a headache and felt so sick. I wanted to go to Culv*ers but our van is having an issue and it would have been too loud in the drive-through. Instead I settled on S*bway. I literally inhaled that food, but was still hungry. Came home and had chips and a candy bar, fruit snacks, and licorice. Ending with a chocolate swiss cake. It was not a good way to end the night, BUT I did stop and did finally find full.

Lesson to self?

Eat when I am hungry. No matter what.

Seriously.

That's it.

If I'm going to live like this, in a normal way, forever, I need to learn that it's ok to eat when I'm hungry. That's it's normal to eat when I'm hungry. I need to honor myself by caring for myself. I need to let go of the guilt I carry for others, the way I hate making others uncomfortable. I need to care for me.