Bigness

Last night I started reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I was only in the introduction when this little exchange between Geneen and a lady named Nell, hit me...

"but suddenly I realized that I am afraid to push the food away."
"Why?" I ask.
"Because...I realize I am not broken..and that you will be angry at me if you know."
"Who are you taking me to be? Anyone you know who was threatened by how gorgeous you are?"
"Hi mom." she says.
"She was depressed," Nell says, "And if I was just myself, that was too much for her. I needed to shut down the bigness-I needed to be as broken as she was-otherwise she'd reject me and that was unacceptable."

Whoa....what?!?!?

(Brakes screeching)

Remember this post? And especially this? "Of this list, the two I struggle the most with are accepting that others will be uncomfortable and that it's ok for me to be comfortable, and having to say no. Both of these are the emotions/actions I shove under the food rug most often."

Oh. my. gosh.

"Nell" is ME.

Always worried that others will be uncomfortable if I allow myself to be comfortable. Afraid to just "be" because it will mean someone in my life feels "less than".

Forever the protector. Forever living out my role in a family I no longer live in. Never wanting my mom or my sister to hurt. Always seeking to make them "ok" , even if it means at the cost of my own sanity. 


One of my earliest memories of "stuffing" this feeling of bigness came after a high school volleyball practice. I was good. Really good. A sophomore in a new town with a competitive team. First in off the bench. I came home that night, psyched. The coach had me playing! I was telling my sister, feeling good. She wanted me to eat a bologna sandwich she'd made. I wasn't hungry. I was feeling...powerful. Strong. Alive. It upset her. SHE was the athlete. She kept asking me to eat. I saw the look in her eyes. The "you and me" . I needed to protect her feelings. She was feeling "less than". I could see it and I didn't want her to hurt. I ate the sandwich. My introduction into stuffing my bigness so that no one would hurt.

But what if?

What if I'm actually not broken after all?

What if I allow myself to be free of the self-imposed brokenness I live in? What if I just stop "shutting down the bigness" and live?

The thought alone feels terrifying.

And powerful.

Whoa.

Something to think on today.