Kill Me

Everything about this book is rocking my world. It literally has sapped the "fun", the "thrill of the sneak" out of eating when I'm not hungry. Hundreds of times a day, I am forcing myself to stay present with myself. To not give in and zone out. To live.

It's hard.

Very hard.

But oh the wonderful flavors when I am hungry! I am amazed at how food really tastes!

Last night was difficult. I had a great time with my older girls, shopping and just hanging out. We got home and all of them went their separate ways. This is prime time for me to eat. Happiness (well really ANY emotion) is a trigger for me to eat. I think I binge to numb the intensity of the feeling. I think in my head I don't think I deserve any of this. That any emotion in life is too...much.

Last night I forced myself to stay in the moment. To sit and feel the feelings. Accepting that there is a God who is bigger than any emotion I feel and that if I just go through the feeling, He is there.

I went through a gamut of emotions as I sat. Some which surprised me. Fear, anger, joy, sadness, love.

Guess what?

The emotions didn't kill me. I lived through them and even found moments that I could stay present with myself.

This is very much the beginning of the end of dieting for me.

I can feel with every part of my being that this is different. I feel almost as if I am waking up from a food-induced coma and finding that I am changed. Or maybe that I was here all along. Hidden beneath the layers of eating.

I am strong.

God is stronger.

A binge is no longer a binge when you take away it's power to control you.

It is a good beginning.