Selfish

Last night was stressful. On so many levels. But in a way, that was good because I realized something about myself.

I crave peace and quiet to relax.

The weather here has been cold and rainy after a cold and dreary winter. Being cooped up is wearing on me. Badly. The kids are literally climbing the walls and the noise in this house is at record volumes. Arguing. Whining. Boredom.

Last night I went to relax on the couch with my book and the TV. I had had a tough day eating and I was far beyond stuffed. Yet I went to get some chocolate bars out of the freezer as I always do, every night. To relax.

This time, oldest dd came home. Soon followed by second dd. Both came down and were loud and talkative. I ate the chocolate. I read. I didn't get to watch my TV. And I went to bed completely stressed.

It was then I realized what would have helped.

Last night would have been a perfect night to soak in the quiet tub with a book. Last night was the first night ever that I accepted that food does not soothe me like it used to.

I want more.

I want peace. Food is not giving that to me.

As I laid in bed, waiting to fall asleep, I put together a small list of ways to help myself relax. Ways that would truly help.

Walk.

Read.

Bath.

Library.

Drive.

Shop.

I am a person that needs alone time. I just do. My days are filled with chaos. I need space to recuperate. Without food. I want this. Is it selfish? Or is it finding a way to heal?

I want this.