Don't Police Me

I'm figuring out that a lot of my binging comes from anger towards those who police me. It's a way of saying f*** you without ever saying anything. Last night I really thought about this. About how deeply angry and resentful it makes me, and how eating doesn't solve the problem at all. I'm 40ish years old, and I still don't use my words to express my feelings.

That needs to stop.

I'm done using food as my only way of expressing myself. I don't need extra pounds to tell someone I'm sick of them in my face about things. It's time to try using my words.I'm thinking people are going to think I'm a b*tch. I'm not sure I care.

And thinking about it, I would say I use food more for this reason than for any other reason at all. I don't use it to mask my feelings, as much as I use it to "speak" my feelings. I am allowed to eat. I am allowed to eat. I am allowed to eat.I read last night that I can't start healing until I stop sneaking. I believe it. The sneaking is masking such a large amount of anger at people wanting to control my life. Wow.

I want my hubby to trust me to make my own decisions regarding food and my body. I want him to stop pretending he's better than me, eating his fruit and exercising, and I want him to let me make my own decisions. It seems I went straight from my dad policing me to my hubby doing the same. The men in my life are causing me a wee bit of stress and it's time for them to back off. I have no idea how to do this. But I have plenty of time to think about it.

On another note, I have gone through most of my FFF's. I have a box of donuts still in the cupboard. I have candy in the freezer. All of it remains comforting to me, but untouched. I don't feel I need it. What I want more than anything right now, is food that I cook. I want to go back to meal planning and baking and to find a way to be ok with that. It is a trigger for me, but one I feel like I'm ready to conquer next. Today my goal is to find some recipes and to find joy in cooking again. This is going to be tricky for me because hubby is on this "health kick" and is going to be harping at me about the food I choose to prepare. It's also going to cause him to step up his policing. He already is strutting around acting better than me. All. The. Time.

D*mn.

I guess it's time for me to grow a spine.