Eating 101

am really beginning to learn some things about myself and my eating through this process.

I am learning that when I'm hungry, I have absolutely no guilt about eating in front of dh, no matter what time it is or when we ate last. The other night I was hungry when we got home from an event. So I went about making a sandwich. Dh did his usual come out of the room he was in to check what I was eating. I just kept making my sandwich. Actually, my first thought was, "duh, of course I'm eating! I'm HUNGRY!". :) For the first time, I realized that HE should feel guilty for thinking I'm bad to eat. I am allowed to eat when I'm hungry!

I am learning that if I wait to eat until I'm hungry, the food tastes amazing. I'm getting hooked on that feeling! And if I savor every bite, my body definitely tells me when I'm full. I honestly can see now, how this heals. It works because of the feeling you get when you wait. It's empowering. It's kick ass. It's saying yeah, I feed myself well and I care for myself. Nourishing myself this way is filling a very deep need in my soul. It's remembering that I am someone. That I matter. That I am worth this.

I am learning that my highest trigger time is really not a trigger at all. For as long as I can remember, I've always munched at night while watching TV or reading. Always. Even when doing the nasty DIEting I would eat at night. It's also my biggest time for binging. Just something I do because I've always done it.

The last few nights I've been allowing myself to see what it would be like not to eat at night if I'm not hungry. I assumed ahead of time, that it would be very hard and that I wouldn't be able to follow through. That mouth hunger would overcome me and I would need to binge.

I. was. wrong.

Before I even tried this mini-experiment, I told myself a couple of things. First, that if I needed to eat out of mouth hunger, that it would be fine and I wouldn't beat myself up about it. Second, that I am able to deal with feelings. I am no longer that scared child. That the feelings that overwhelmed me as a child, are almost always manageable as the adult I am.

So I sat. And I watched TV. And I read. And I waited.

Did I snack?

Yes.

And no.

I found that there is a huge amount of peace for me in just sitting and enjoying the things I'm doing. Doing those things without eating. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I love to sit and watch TV quietly without eating, but I do. It is a peaceful, calming time for me.

I am learning.

Every day, every hunger, every mouth hunger, is a new opportunity for me to learn more about who I really am.

I'm loving the journey. I'm embracing the journey.

I am feeling powerful over my life.

I am becoming ME.